Online dating? Yes please!

Dating has been going on
for quite some time now, back in the day so much effort had to go into
organising a date, firstly you had to find someone somehow to go on a date with
and then you had to pluck the courage up to actually ask this person out on a date,
with real spoken english words, in front of each other. Madness!

Luckily a little thing
called a computer came into existence and then they turned those little things
into even smaller things called phones. And thank god for that, because talking
is so much effort and it’s nerve wrecking and it can go so terribly wrong. So
people who thought things like that, invented dating apps. Wonderful! Not too
long ago we lived in a world where online dating was a taboo, people who did it
were branded freaks. But now it’s just a normal thing, a socially acceptable
oddity, the freaks these days are people who marry tree’s or cats, but give it
another 50 years and we’ll all be doing that too. 

Grindr is a dating app
that gay people like myself use to communicate with each other instantaneously
from the comfort of our own rooms, depending on the WiFi. It’s a bit like Tindr
but a lot more gay and full of interesting unwanted pictures from some rather
elderly gentlemen that should really just be spending there time gardening or
watching fair city rather than bothering people of a much younger age bracket.

On apps like this one can
organise a date. Dating is a stupendously fantastical social coming together of
two people that usually have never met before, it involves drinking or eating
or both! That sounds nice, drinking and eating, doesn’t it, we all like that,
yum! But it rather depends on who you are drinking and eating with, because
well sometimes it can go a bit pear shaped. In fact it can go so terribly pear
shaped you might just wonder are you really a human being at all and what in
god’s name am I doing with my existence, maybe I should be banished to the
mountains, there to live a lifetime of yodelling.

Alas we are social
creatures us human beings and we crave company, we crave belonging and loving.
Yuck! What is wrong with us?! Who programmed us with all these faults?! Because
let’s face it everyone we are living in a simulation. But! That’s the great
thing about dating you can gather up all your personal faults, like a squirrel
collecting nuts, and lock them up in an imaginary suitcase. Because what do you
all do when you describe yourselves in your Tindr or Grindr bio, what do you
all do when you try to get people to kind of like you, and not think you are a
serial killer that has a bath of acid waiting for them to be dunked into back
at your house. Do you tell them, you like to sit in your underpants at 3am
every single night eating ice cream from a bowl that really should of been
thrown into a dishwasher three weeks ago, while you cry into the palms of your
hands cowering in the darkest corner of your room watching re runs of some
god damn awful TV show you don’t tell anyone you watch but is really your life.
Of course not! No! What are you catastrophically silly?! You present yourself
in the most admirable and heroic way imaginable.

Well I like to spend my
time saving cats from trees you say, rescuing trapped babies from burning
buildings, donating 80% of my minimum wage to charity, spending hours every day
at the gym while I study my notes doing back flips on a treadmill, socialising
with the thousands of real friends I have acquired on Facebook every single
night, attending funerals of people I don’t even know! Because, well, I
suppose, I’m just an average type of guy or girl. We don’t assume genders here
ladies and gentlemen. When in reality every single one of us is just a
beautiful big complicated bowl of awkwardness lost in a sea of darkness trying
to find some purpose or meaning that is beneficial to us and betters us as
individuals.

So maybe just maybe dating
was created by people as a solution to that awkward problem, maybe just maybe,
one day, one final glorious day, you’ll find that one person on a date that
could shine a light of positivity and purpose in you. To give you a spark that
could reawaken you, to enrich you! Maybe just maybe you’ll find that person who
will look past the seemingly endless list of faults that you possess, and like
you for who you truly are. Maybe you’ll marry this person, buy a house
together, live together for the rest of your lives, have kids, watch them grow
up, maybe this person will be your life. That or you’ll end up in a bath of
acid, it’s one or the other really.

I’ve been on many dates ,
some good, some awful and maybe one or two that went perfectly. Dates can lead
to some mad old situations and I am a strong advocate for such situations. So
go on what’re you doing? Download Tindr or Grindr and go find someone, might
take time but it’s worth it! If you can’t get a date I hear you can rent
friends in China online so maybe move to China? Although you might want to wait
till that coronavirus settles down.